Waking Up is Hard to Do
by Sempai Sunny
Summary: Wolfwood contemplates his new assignment. Spoilers. Songfic. R


I don't own Trigun or "Heart Attack" by Sum41.

You know the scene in "Paradise" where he's standing by the window? Well, I took that scene and ran away with it, metaphorically. Oh, it's hard to explain. Just follow along with the song.

Please, I have a few spoilers, but, if you haven't seen episode twenty-three, don't read this. I play around with something Wolfwood is told by Chapel the Evergreen early in that episode.

**Waking Up is Hard to Do**

            I glanced over at Milly. She was asleep. Good.

            I slipped out of bed and pulled on my discarded trousers, heading over to the window. I pushed it open and lit a cigarette.

            When had times gotten so hard?

_*Remember when_

_There was nothing else to do_

_But lie in bed*_

            Those were the days, the ones before I'd met Vash and the Insurance Girls. I had turned into something of a worrier since then. Maybe Meryl was rubbing off on me; she did more than her fair share of fretting over all of us.

_*Wondering how_

_It was always up to you_

_And no one else_

            When I had just ridden along on Angelina, until she broke down and I had to hike, that is. That was the best. I didn't really care about much, aside from my orphanage and finding money for them.

            Sometimes, though, I wish that Vash had never spotted me, or he'd just ignored what he saw. I wish he would have just let me die then. Things had steadily gotten worse for me since I met him.

            "Now I know why that short girl's always mad at you!" My words echoed in my head. I sure did. Except that Meryl was hardly ever angry at him anymore. It seemed as though she felt sorry for him, most of all.

_*Early mornings_

_Made by warnings_

_What's the point_

_Of the alarm that I'm ignoring*_

            Vash was really grating on my nerves now. It had gotten so bad that I'd hit him the other day, across the face, with the end of my cross.

            He deserved it, I told myself. There wasn't any other way.

            "He wasn't going to shoot me!"

            Vash, you're so naïve. Of course he was. Knives sent him to do so. Of course, now, I'm supposed to kill Vash, according to Chapel, who must have been acting as Knives's little messenger.

_*It's even raining_

_I'm not complaining_

_But waking up is hard to do, so*_

            I looked back at Milly, sleeping peacefully. She really was beautiful, her size and strength adding to her appeal.

            "That's how Mr. Vash is. I know because I've watched him for a long time,"

            But he's wrong. Sometimes, there isn't any other way. The other day, it was Zazie, or Vash.

            So, why had I saved Vash if my job was now to kill him? My head hurt, it was so confusing.

_*Turn my head_

_Back to bed with no delay_

_Can't be bothered_

_By the phone_

_Ten times a day_

_Why get up*_

            I wished I was blissfully naïve, like Milly, or how Vash seemed to be sometimes. My head was pounding with everything.

            Life was better before all of these people. I wish I could go back to then. Life, was, well, simpler.

_*My morning doesn't_

_Even start till two_

_Forget reality_

_Waking up is hard to do*_

            I leaned against the wall and put my hands in my pockets. Sometimes, things couldn't be helped, and there was no point in wishing. This was one of those times.

_*Remember when_

_We would hang out every day_

_And we would rather_

_Not be told what to do or what to say*_

            Things were fine right after I'd met Vash, I admit. Saving that girl, that was an adventure. And, the quick draw tournament, that was great. Neil and his family deserved the money.

            I remembered the happiness I felt when Neil's father returned.

            The quick draw tournament. I'd just figured out my way to get Vash.

            "Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made!" Yeah. That was it. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

            "Can I make a different one?"

_*Cause nothing mattered_

_Never boring_

_With slept in mornings_

_Not ashamed of bad habits_

_I've been forming*_

            Who was I kidding? This was _Vash the Stampede, notorious gunslinger, who destroyed both July and Augusta._

            He wouldn't kill you, I thought. He can't kill anyone. He wouldn't be able to.

            But, then again, he just might, if I tried to kill him.

_*It's not important_

_If days are shortened_

_I can't make time_

_When nothing's new_

_Cause waking up is hard to do*_

            What would Vash do when he found Knives, if he can't kill? Why was Vash even going after Knives? I mean, yes, Knives had a motive, but did Vash?

            I guess you could consider blowing your arm off a motive, but Vash had taken to his new appendage and used the wrist machine gun quite skillfully.

            I'm the only person alive, other than Knives, possibly, who can match Vash in a shoot-out. If I'm careful enough, I can beat him.

_* Turn my head_

_It's back to bed with no delay_

_Can't be bothered_

_By the phone_

_Ten times a day_

_Why get up_

_My morning doesn't_

_Even start till two_

_Forget reality_

_Waking up is hard to do *_

            That was my only choice. I'd get him tomorrow, in the morning.

            Of course, there was the problem of the girls. Meryl would probably stay inside, writing her report, but Milly, oh god, she would go with me. I'd never be able to do it in front of her.

            I'd just have to tell her to wait for me, until I came back. I'd figure out some bogus excuse for the untimely demise of Vash the Stampede then.

_*What's a day_

_When it all ends up the same_

_And lasts forever*_

            Tomorrow is going to be an awfully long day, I thought, my gaze drifting to the fifth moon. I remembered hearing Rai-Dei's testimony about it, just before I shot him.

            I just had to keep telling myself that Vash was wrong, his way of his life was making him a living target, and that I needed to kill him. It ensured the safety of my orphans.

            Besides, I'd already saved Vash. I wasn't indebted to him anymore. I could kill him guiltlessly.

            Or could I?

            The way Milly looked at me after I shot Zazie haunted me. The sadness in her eyes; she didn't understand.

            I imagined those eyes being full with tears, crying due to the death of her friend. It hurt.

_*Can't complain_

_When there's nothing there to blame_

_And things can't be better_

_Summer evenings_

_Teenage grievings*_

            Of course, Meryl would just throw on her act, pretending to be glad. She'd probably be dying slowing inside.

            Milly, though, oh no. It was tearing me apart.

            Don't think about it, I told myself. Once again, it's a bunch of circumstances that she couldn't possibly comprehend. She'd never understand.

            That's why she could never know what I had to do.

_*Got no problems with_

_The life that I've been leading*_

            It's my mantra. I'm doing it for the orphans. I'm doing it for everyone, this time. One of the most dangerous men on the planet, he would be dead by this time tomorrow.

            I just had to keep telling myself that Vash was wrong.

_*No concentration_

_On hesitation_

_I can't make time_

_When nothing's new_

_Cause waking up is hard to do, so*_

            It's like Chapel taught me. Don't hesitate. Just shoot. It can be over in a split-second.

            I smiled slightly. Maybe I'd even turn him in for the sixty billion double dollars. That would be enough to run the orphanage for years to come. I could retire and live there, with the Insurance Girls, or maybe just Milly.

_* Turn my head_

_It's back to bed with no delay_

_Can't be bothered_

_By the phone_

_Ten times a day_

_Why get up_

_My morning doesn't_

_Even start till two_

_Forget reality_

_Waking up is hard to do*_

            That would be it.

            "Nicholas?" Milly whispered softly.

            "Go back to sleep, Milly," I told her. "Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So right, he is. That day was long, very, very long.

Hehe, I love doing these little angsty things. Especially Wolfwood angst, though, lately, it hasn't been Wolfie/Milly angst.


End file.
